linesofdistaste

This is just a new song I've been working on. It's called "Make a Home in Me."
Lyrics really aren't done justice just being written down, but hopefully I'll find some time to record a rough version.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with all this music. I think I'm going to refrain from gigs for a while and just focus on centering myself and writing what is really inside of me as opposed to trying to sound or write like the artists I admire, which is my tendency. This song came out of a pretty decent anxiety attack - "Recent" meaning last night.


Let the bones that you have broken
cry out and rejoice
Let the words that you have spoken
resound throughout my voice
And if you'll walk beside me
I'll fight to stay close by
So every song you sing me
will hum inside my mind

Make a home in me
Come be alone with me

I can't handle living
I can't handle death
I question if you really
own my every breath
But you keep count of my tossing
there's a book you write them in
store my tears inside your bottle
enough to sink a ship

Make a home in me
Come be alone with me

Try not to be angry
let me tell you what I've don
I crucified the very thing
that I was trying to love
I'm terrible at holding
what's bigger than myself
So maybe you could hold me
Just don't put me on that shelf

Make a home in me
Come be alone with me





I guess the lyrics are pretty simple. That's kind of the point. The whole song is very delicate and simple. The irony is that I was unbelievably anxious and confused when I wrote it. Specifically because the stress of everyday life was topped with finding out about the death of a friend. Not an incredibly close friend, but it shook me nonetheless. I guess I was trying to ask God what was going on with me while writing a sort of lullaby to calm myself.

they don't ever really move on."



I know that listening to Owen over and over is only feeding this thing inside me...my tendency to get quiet and introspective and kind of sad.
But it's also one of the few things that makes me feel completely at peace.
It's a bit of a vicious cycle.

I have listened to this album in excess of 10 times this week and it is never old.
I love everything about it. It's just raw enough lyrically and so exquisite musically.

That's all I'll say about it or I'll start gushing.

Actually, that's all I have to say.




"At least I can
see myself in
the mirror."

I'm lonely, but I'm surrounded by people.
In fact, I isolate for the most part and hate myself for it later.

I seem to have my head on straight, and I seem to have a thick skin.
I don't. I'm incredibly insecure. And I'm actually really fragile.

I have these amazing friends, but I always feel like the spare wheel of the group.
Half of the time, I'm paranoid that people are just putting up with me.

I need to stop complaining, this is ridiculous.
I just wish I knew where I was going. I wish I could stop talking about myself.

I WISH I DIDN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT OF ME.
The most cliche sentence, but if I could somehow shake the feeling that I am under a microscope all of the time, I would feel so free. I'd finally start living.
I'll say I don't care, but I do. I may act otherwise, but it will still eat at me.
Half of the time, it's all in my head anyway.

I don't even know what I'm saying.
I really think I need to disconnect for a while and get away (because everything has become very common around here). Unfortunately, I am tied down to things, I wouldn't know where to go, and I get anxiety about leaving my family. Not even sure when that started, but it has.

I subconsciously feel like everything I do is a giant disappointment to God.

I write in this PROBABLY every 6 months, but I want to use it more.
I'm too lazy to start from scratch, so I just hid all the dumb posts.
Most of these are from well over a year ago, if not two.

I have this thing I do where, every year, I decide I hate my former self.
Whether I've really changed that much, or I just THINK I have, beats me, it just happens.

I just gave my brother a haircut, it looks good.
The parents are going away this weekend so I should probably find something for us to do.
He thinks I'm "cool", so I'm trying to maintain that misconception.
That way, hopefully, he'll listen to my advice and not repeat my stupid mistakes.

I feel like such a creep for loving my family as much as I do.
Everyone is usually complaining about their parents and whatnot.
I used to do that, but now I realize how much I just frickin adore them and all their weird quirks and my dads dirty jokes and my mom's silly stories.
And my siblings are honestly the coolest kids I know.
I don't express this fully to them because I'm too awkward. I probably should.

I'm glad to have the day off to lay in bed tomorrow. I have things to do throughout the day, but it's kind of just whenever I feel like it. I'll probably want to go for a bike ride and I definitely need to clean my room and play some music.
I have a show in Brooklyn on Weds that I should go over songs for.

Anyhow, I've always got someone I'm writing to in the back of my head.
I wish I could just write for the sake of writing, but it's no use.
We're all trying to impress someone.

"Goodnight, sleep light, stranger."

OH, and Tilly and the Wall was amazing live.

I mean, they completely butchered their own songs,
but it was the most fun I've ever had at a show.

Do we ever really write thinking no one will read it?

Even as a kid, I only kept journals in hopes that they would one day be a window into my life for some stranger who happened upon it after I wasn't around anymore. (Maybe I was a morbid kid, or maybe the story of Anne Frank really rubbed off on me.)

Nonetheless, I always think of someone when I'm writing. I used to think of Ed when I posted entries a lot because I wondered what he'd say. He'd put people in their place via livejournal, or he'd have a really encouraging piece of advice. I miss him. I wasn't really close to him before he passed away, but having him around gave a sense of peace to everything. You could lose all faith in humanity and Ed would restore it simply by being Ed, a loving and considerate human being. But I know where he is, and I'm happy for him.

And I think everyone always wants to be the person being thought about in writing. Someone tells me to read a blog and I look for any possible references to myself immediately. I know its really petty and selfish of me, but I think a lot of people do that subconsciously or won't admit it.

I don't know if those last paragraphs where even comprehensible.

I'm at a crossroads once again: Eastern University vs. Internship in Buffalo.
I can't use typical logic on this one.
Don't ask.
I've felt like I should go to Buffalo for forever, and it didn't work out last time because I wasn't in the right state mentally. Am I now? I don't know, but its not going to be a party.
And it'll be a total tease because I'll be there for 9 months but not be able to visit my friends in the area because the internship is a 24 hour thing with a ton of traveling involved.

I love the idea of Eastern, but I only want to be there if that's where I'm supposed to be right now, and it's definitely the slower track to where I'm trying to get. But there's college credits and I'm close to home.

I don't know where to begin. I'm convinced I'm the most indecisive human being alive.

San Francisco was awesome...I would totally live there.
Preferably in a hotel room where the maid makes my bed every day.

The smell of alcohol makes me nauseous. I don't know why because I've never vomited from drinking or had a parent with an alcohol abuse problem (at least during my lifetime). It's gross though, and even the few times I've been schwasted, I had to force it down, but its been 6 months since I've touched it, so I'm pretty sure I won't have to worry about becoming an alcoholic in the future. For those of you who are, STOP. If there's anything I learned in San Francisco, it's that alcoholic (in my case, boys) are not attractive. At all.

Not sure where I'm going with this.

I'd really love to just run away with someone whose company I fully enjoy and just explore the world. I like the window seats on planes because I can see how everything is geographically laid out- farmland that turns into a giant quilt and etc. It reminds me how small I am, but I think its important to remember that we're small because it makes our problems seem smaller. It also reminds me of how much of the planet I haven't seen. I'd really prefer spending my years running through fields and seeing cities I've never seen as opposed to working 9-5 so the government can take a share. Who makes these rules?
Whatever, I'm sounding like full-blown teen angst right now.
But life is short and I need to take more risks.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Ephesians 2:8-10

Murder by Death is so good.

Their Lyrics have been repeating
over and over in my head for the past three days,
but I'm not mad about it at all.

I tried to love you and I failed.

Because you're mine, I walk the line.

I love when people are intentionally placed in my life, 
and it is completely evident that it is for an important reason, 
but I have yet to find out what exactly it is.

I like the suspense.
I like that He's helping me build my trust in Him again.

Even if their lives and concepts of having a good time are completely off, I still love my friends.

I just went out with this guy.
It was kind of a date, kind of not officially.

I don't even know where I'm going with this entry...

Umm.

I have a really bad cold.

The whole "narrow road & wide road" thing has never been more real to me.
I feel completely torn in almost every aspect of my life.
It's true, the wide is so much easier, but in the long run, it'll kill you.
And the narrow is the hardest to stay on, but it keeps you happy.
Really happy, not just temporarily high.

And I've come to see just how real the words of the Bible are.
Not just in it's whole truthfulness,
but because the simplest phases in it are so relatable, even now.
Paul said things exactly how they were and confronted people for their hypocrisy with no hesitation.
His correction of the Corinthian Church just makes me realize so much,
I can't even explain.
His words were just so life-like.

Last night was my Aunt's very informal wedding.
She got completely smashed.
possibly because she was drinking Vodka with barely any cranberry juice all night.
She started doing the "booty pop" and singing into spoons.
She also called me and my sister sluts at least 3 times.

It would have been slightly funnier if she weren't an alcoholic.
But now she has people worried.

And today is my last day at work, But I talked to this guy who works at a really nice Thai restaurant and he says they need help in September, so I'm planning on waitressing there.

And his father laughed and talked on the long ride home,
And his mother laughed and talked on the long ride home,
And he thought about how everyone dies some day,
And when tomorrow gets here where will yesterday be?
And fell asleep in his brand new winter coat.